As I sit here....

....writing this shit, I have to wonder if I'm going mildly psychotic...too much dope perhaps, not tonight that's for sure, but maybe in the long term scheme of things, there might be something in all those news reports saying it's bad for you and makes your brain go la la.

Or perhaps, its just one of those days. Those one off's where people write it off as you feeling down, but that's just it, it's not one off's any more. Its all gone, the excitement, the zest, the striving, it's just just day to day boring mindless repetitive almost delirium. Though you'd hope that delerium had some fun to it, but I'm not to sure of the dictionary meaning of the word. Who cares anyway, that's hardly the point.

As my 'always happy' best mate sends me pictures of the latest girl conquests he had the pleasure with in recent nights. I wonder, what shit am I supposed to say to that, it's not like I know or will know these people. It's all very nice, but do you want me to placate you're bragging, is that what you're supposed to do? So suffice to say I just sent a 'very nice' and a 'very nice also' reply respectively. Am I jealous, perhaps, not of the girls I guess, but maybe of the life. The grass is always greener on the other side.

Its like earlier, the whole friday night drinks after work, all these people show up and I'm sitting there watching the bubbles chaotically fly around a bottle of bud, and wonder more..what the fuck do I have in common with these people. I don't think they're bad people, but what the hell are they talking about, it's all just random noise to me. I make occasionally interjections, little comments to try break into the white noise, but alas, it gets more hazy the more i try to get in. I like the line in that lev's song julie, 'felt alone in a crowded room'. It happens to all of us I guess, just not too much and you can probably keep a grip on what rooms you like and what rooms you don't. But when it happens with people you know and people you don't know, you should begin to question.

Back to the psychosis thing, I'd like to think I'm intelligent enough to know if I'm going psychotic, not in the violent, schizophrenic way that we all associate, but in the way of you're own thoughts are slowly but surely ripping you apart. Getting lost in yourself is one thing, getting truly engrossed in your own mind to the point where you seem to be forgetting how to function outside of it is another. Maybe that is psychosis, maybe thats just been lost..fuck I have no idea.

All I know is, that I hate it. I hate the idea of it. It would be like a reversion to a self of old, and step backwards of epic proportions. I just got here, now I have to go back. Confidence in yourself is a crazy cat huh? You either have it or you don't? It's easy to beat confidence outta someone, but they'll take a lifetime trying to figure out how to get it back. And when those beatings started early and went on long enough, you got a whole lotta complications to find out about along the way.

It all comes down to working out who you are, none of this why business. why am i here, why this, why that. That's all heresay generally, you gotta know who you are, before you can even begin on the test paper known as 'why'. If I stopped spending so much time asking 'why did this happen' 'why did that girl leave' 'why don't i know what I want to do' 'why don't i know where I want to be' 'why don't i connect with people' WHY...bloody question. i might actually begin to make some headway in the world if i just accepted that's the way it is and just start to just do, just don't hesitate, say what you like, say it when you like. *Shrug*

Confusion raining down from afar. definitely

I feel better for purging some thoughts, it's not like anyone out there is truly normal and finding a voice is a hard thing to do these days, back to the 'white noise' theory.

I feel sorry for myself tonight I guess (at least I'm honest). And it's not often that you can just write what's in your head. Pisceans are fucked up breed that spend to much time listening to others lives and fairy tales that they tend to forget how much of a hole their minds and soul can actually be......

Good night (written last night, but i thought i oughta post it here for prosperity)

test title firkin

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this is yet another test post, i'm uber curious if this even works.